How to solve computer problems

I am often asked for help when a computer fails to do what its owner expects it to do. To avoid unnecessary requests the following instructions might help to solve the matter completely by yourself. (I found these instructions on an old cd-rom from the time I worked as IT supporter at a telecom company about six years ago; because of this some specs like colours etc. might be outdated. Nevertheless it should work.) The instructions will most probably also work with non-pc related issues.

*** Instructions for the Magic Help-Yourself-Emergency-Kit ***

• Look up to the sky. Spot the fluffy orange cloud right above your head.
• Follow it. It will guide you to a crossroad. At this crossroad you'll find a pink elephant.
• Say "You're ridiculous" to the pink elephant. He will kick you to a shrubbery 2 miles ahead. Please land there softly.
• Start digging. You will find a golden magic lamp. Rub it gently. The djinn who comes out will help you further.

Known problems with finding the golden magic lamp
Some people started digging but didn't find the golden magic lamp. Therefore they started digging a few meters away from the shrubbery, and dug up a rusty iron lamp. Don't use this lamp! It's of inferior quality, and the djinn who comes out can't be trusted. Don't ask questions to this djinn, because you will never know where you'll end. If somebody has been before you, wait at the shrubbery until the lamp comes back.

Known problems with the golden magic lamp
Some people reported that it is difficult to get the djinn out of the lamp. The following hints might help.

• Don't rub with a sleeve of your coat. Most clothes these days are made of synthetics, which will make the hair of the djinn go static and stand right up. This will annoy him. Rub with the palm of your hand.
• Don't rub too fast! If you rub too fast the djinn will get dizzy, making it harder for him to find the way out. Make easy, calm circles, anti-clockwise.
• The lamp is from the type "No Glow, No Show". This means the lamp will light up if you rub it the right way - or not. If the lamp lights up yellow, your doing it right and the djinn will come out within the minute. If the lamp lights up orange, you're probably rubbing the lamp a bit too fast, but go on steady and the djinn will finally come out. If the lamp lights up red, put it down immediately and let it cool off, unless you want to end up as a female toad during mating season, should the djinn in all his anger come out. Wait ten minutes then start again, using gentle strokes. If the lamp doesn't light up at all, you're really doing something wrong here and the best thing you can do is put the lamp back where it came from. Call a professional to deal with your problems.

Some people find the working of the lamp cumbersome. The problem is that I inherited this lamp from my great-great-great-grandfather, who, by the way, isn't alive anymore. What I've told here is what I myself found out about the lamp. If I find the manual I'll let you know.